Beware, this article is meant for adults only. It includes rude words and phrases and the authors assume no responsibility for your repression. If you`re not mature enough to continue, don't. Names are mostly fiction, but the truth behind isn't.


Logging In...

Every scener who is present in the world of the internet should have made his own experiences with the IRC. Oh yes, for some of you it`s the biggest chat network. A genius idea to connect to each internet nerd, for others it`s better known as the biggest kindergarden that the mankind has seen yet. These are our instructions how to become a real elite chatter or if not, why to let it better be.

But let us go step by step...

First of all grab one of those IRC clients that are offered in the net. The Amiga surfers prefer the most used (and abused one) that was seldomly bought, called AmIRC from Vaporware. The Win32 hyperelite guys swear that Mirc is the greatest to use as it provides so many tiny`n'sweet buttons. Others prefer the open source client X-Chat coded by Zed/Digital Corruption, that was originally realised for Linux.

You have to push your brain to the limits in order to choose an ultracool nick. What about IaMgAy, MeGabOy or jOiNTgIRL? All of them are used already, try it with IaM^gAY, MeGA-B or gIrLjOInT instead.

If you have succeeded to choose the ultimate nick, which is not used, the fun can finally start. Can it? You`ll have to pick out one of those IRC servers of the EFnet or IRCnet networks. Now you have to join one of these l33t sounding channels such as #gaypowah, #hiphopdudes, #shiteater, #cumswallower or you choose one of the public channels of a wellknown warez group, which exists for two weeks and will vanish in around a year for no reason. Most used in the Amiga scene is of course #amigascne. Or #amigaDE/UK/HU/CH... if you want to contact plain Amiga users, means non sceners of your country.

If you have started a chat, better ten at the same time, the game may start for real. Either they greet you with "hi biatch", "heya suXX0R", "oh another anal injection for me" or they kick and ban you as you are too much of 1337 for those guys. (What ever this means!) After joining #amigade for instance, they`ll first check if your copy of AmIRC is registered and if not, you`ll be outside and banned quicker than you can react on anything.

If nothing happens in between ten seconds, you start with welcome them with "Yeah dudes, I am gay and I wanna sex", "need some warez" or "fuck you all". That`s at least what most others usual do by entering a channel.

If still nothing happens, bad luck as everybody is damn busy checking the latest major games, masturbating, watching tv, sleeping, enjoying a joint, comitting suicide... Or else you tried to communicate with lots of those damn bots which make sure nobody else overtakes the channel and that gives operator status to 133.733 other guys. To make it clear: To everybody except you!

Although already those bots are able to talk to you from time to time, the only bad point is that they will always say the same after a while. Maybe you will mention it, maybe not, depends on the number of your brain cells you can rely on. If you`re lucky the channels show a sign of activity. If you`re even more lucky it`s not only "*** bIATCH has joined #gayxtreme", "*** gUrUfUcK has quit IRC (I'm da l33t0reST h4XXX0r oN dA wORlD)" and so on.

And then be sure to be aware of anything that could show others the existence of intelligence. To make any way of communication possible, start your chat with sentences like "Hey sucker, I put my cheesy finger in your stinky asshole", "Yeah, you`re a mega horny gay", "My ass is bleeding, need again some assfuck", or "I`ve h4xx0red a pr0n site, isn't that l33t?!"

If that doesn`t give you the kick you were seeking for, use harder methods and write things like "You're a fat shitty dude", "I`ve raped and fucked off your stinky mother" or "You're a fucking gay" etc. And these examples are still the light version of what you can read and what you are told when you visit the IRC. But we won't provide them here as we do not want to damage our readers mental health.

You could ask yourself why those guys use this fucking sort of language or why you must hide all your intelligence while you`re online. But you can also let it be, that remains the same. Either you only speak with 13-years old pimplefaces having the starting point of their puberty (or far below) or else you communicate with students that own a free connection to the net. It seems they have all finished the preparations of their exams. So that they want to show you their brainpower and choose you as their personal victim as they`ve really no idea what else to do with their sparetime. Seemingly...


Loging Off...

Hey guys, don`t you have anything more serious or senseful to do than to hang in front of your computer the whole day in order to play the role of stupid brainless kids? Do you think it`s cool to speak with guys you don`t have a clue of, guys that change their nicks daily?

Honestly spoken we often have the impression those IRC nerds sit all the day long on the toilet. On the right side they have the cell phone to order food, on the left the TV, not to forget the machine they chat with. Oh, they are active, didn`t we mention that they kick out a release each half year, if not less often? They even forgot how to write case sensitive, one of the less bad effects the IRC has on those user's brains.

Normally one goes into the IRC to have a nice talk with others, to meet your friends, to exchange opinions, to hear what others think about topics you share or lately release productions.

Do we really ask for too much if we want somebody that replies more often than each 10-15 minutes? As long as groupchannels, for example that from SAC are public, the situation is the same. So it`s not surprising if more and more operators insert channel keys to ban everybody out who wasn`t personally invited and who knows the password.

Cru speaks out: Often people contact me via IRC and seldomly via e-mail as they want to request an ascii logo from me. But the funny thing is that they have never heard of me, never seen any logos from me! All they want is a quick`n'dirt made logo for their new site, group or whatever. So let`s listen how this takes place:

Are u drawin ascii?
i could need a kewl ascii too
yeah, need quickly an blockstyle ascii

The best thing was:

Do you drawin ascii?
I need it in ferrex style

Ferrex is the leader of the PC ascii group SAC. The guy wanted from me that I copy Ferrex` style because he already tried his luck with him and he would never have had a chance to get anything from him personally. Oh guys, isn`t this cheaper than cheap? Normally you request something from an artist because you like his style or the productions from him or his group.

And generally spoken (Ghandy comments): Why the heck do you have to stay connected all the time if you have nothing to say? To be always present, so that you can`t miss anything? Or to give the costs of your flatline sense?

Come on guys, do something productive. The time you`re wasting in the IRC could be used for coding, tracking, writing, painting, raytracing etc. And why not spend your time in real life? Clean your rooms, go to the cinema or to a bar with friends. Organize and clean up your harddisks of your computer if you wish to. Or what about buying AND reading a book? Do something for your education. Or just to have fun!


IRC is no natural habit, don`t forget that!

Yes, maybe you did not notice it, but IRC is nothing real. Just some binary signs jumping around the world. Don't you you you miss something real this way?

If you agree with us, the words might be hard sometimes but the truth simply is hard, let's have a chat about it! If you feel pissed after reading this article, you will know you are still in the state of a child but then you should have not read this article as stated in the first lines. So shame on you, we will report this to your parents to make them reacting the right way.

Thanks for most translations & some enlargements by Ghandy/[S]carab, Vantage